Men's Violence Against Women

Men's Violence Against Women
By: Christopher Kilmartin, Ph.D

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and too often we see domestic violence and rape defined as "women's issues." Since men do the vast majority of the damage, I think it's a men's issue. I'll begin with a story, not a very happy one, to set the tone.

A little while back, The Washington Post ran a story about a Northern VA country club that held an event called the "Vodka challenge." It was a men-only event, a standard country club golf tournament. What made it newsworthy was the mode of celebration in the men's locker room. The day before the tournament, one of the club managers purchased an ice sculpture of a nude woman, sitting down with her legs spread. The vodka was served in the locker room from a fountain stream that came out from between her legs.

When some of the women members found out about this ice sculpture, they were outraged. Most of the men seemed puzzled by this reaction. After all, this was a sculpture, not a real woman, and it was in the men's locker room, where none of the women would even see it. Quite predictably, there were a lot of statements about angry feminists who have no sense of humor, and the overly rigid atmosphere of political correctness. After all, any one with an open mind would see this as harmless. I think it's good to have an open mind, but it's not good to have a mind so open that your brain falls out.

What does this vodka challenge story have to do with violence against women? There was nothing in the story to suggest that any of these men had ever beaten their wives. But, although I'm sure they didn't realize it, every one of them made it just a little more possible for any one of them to commit an act of violence against a woman.

In order for violence to occur, several things have to be present. First, there has to be a lack of identification with the victim. Second, there has to be a perception of the situation as one that calls for violence. Third, there has to be a decision to act violently, and fourth, there has to be a means of doing harm to the other person.

All-male social groups that are disrespectful towards women provide the first part of this formula: a willingness to view women as being different from and less valued than men. Symbolically, the ice sculpture provided an atmosphere that says women are here for men's pleasure, and we will bond around our shared masculinity in this place where we don't have to deal with women as human beings. Seeing them as lower status others allows us to justify mistreating them in many ways, including violence. There is an attitudinal undercurrent of women as enemies, in spite of the fact that most of these men were married to and raising children with the enemy.

Unfortunately, this vodka challenge was most likely not some isolated incident of insensitivity. In fact, country clubs have a history of the exclusion and disrespect of women, from men-only eating areas and tee times to the outright banning of women members. Many clubs also have a history of excluding Jews and people of color. The controversy over the exclusion of women from Augusta National is a case in point - Martha Burk has been called every bad name in the book just because she has pointed out the bigotry of this incredibly wealthy group of men and suggested that we all do something to ensure that they don't become wealthier from the Master's tournament.

I am only using country clubs as an example of all-male enclaves that implicitly and subtly condone violence against women. Other institutions, like many fraternities and corporations, also have these histories. And, of course, all-male social groups do not have to be organized and institutional to provide this violence-condoning atmosphere. We can find informal men's groups in workplaces, college dorms, athletic teams, and corner bars, telling demeaning jokes about women, calling them by animal names or the names of their genitals, and these men rarely confront each other for fear of being attacked or ostracized. There is an unconscious, implicit conspiracy in many men's groups to keep women in their place. What better way to do it than by causing them to feel perpetually fearful of being physically attacked?.

Men's violence is the single most serious health problem for women in the United States. It causes more harm than accidents, muggings, and cancer combined. For women aged 15-44, an estimated 50% of emergency room visits are the result of violence at the hands of their husbands, boyfriends, ex-husbands, or ex-boyfriends. Every year male partners or ex-partners murder more than 1000 women - that's about 3 per day. It happens so often that people don't even pay attention to it. When a stranger murders someone, the story is on the front page of the metro section. If it's an intimate, it's at the bottom of page 4. A stranger rape always makes the papers; an acquaintance rape never does unless the rapist is somebody famous. The two most frequent crimes against women are largely invisible to the media. We expect it so much that we don't even notice it.

I want to point out that I chose my words very carefully there I very intentionally did not say "when a person is murdered by a stranger." Maybe it's just because I'm a college professor, but I am an absolute believer in the power of language, and there is some everyday language that smuggles in prejudices against women and contributes to the cultural atmosphere that enables gender-based violence. I have 5 examples.

The first is the one I just pointed out - passive voice - 1000 women are murdered. The victim, not the perpetrator, is the subject of the sentence. When you see this language often enough, the perpetrator becomes a kind of afterthought. Imagine if sportscasters talked like this: "The score was tied when a three-point basket was scored." "Many dollars were earned." Wouldn't everyone ask, "Who did it? Who is responsible?"

Example #2: the use of the term "opposite sex" and the phrase "battle of the sexes". I challenge you to tell me one way in which the sexes are opposite. Calling men and women opposites is like calling an IBM computer the opposite of an Apple. And "battle of the sexes" implies that men and women are at war. We will never solve this problem until we work together and emphasize our commonalities rather than our differences.

I see research studies reported in the popular press - "a recent study proves what we have suspected all along - that men's and women's brains are different." And what they do is find some infinitesimally small portion of the brain that has some minor difference that accounts for 5% of the variance in a population with wide variability, completely ignoring the fact that men's and women's brains both have frontal cortex, amygdalas, thalmuses, hypothalamuses, and on and on. And at the end of the story, the anchorman on the news says, "Well, that explains why I can't understand my wife at all." (If you can't understand your wife, I recommend the much-overlooked method of listening to her).

Example #3, when I tell people I'm a psychologist specializing in gender-based violence, people always ask, when a man is beating his wife, why does she stay with him? That's question #2; they never ask question #1: Why would a man hit his wife? Men's violence is considered to be a given, and women's responses to that violence are seen as choices. This subtly makes women responsible for the violence.

Example #4: self-defense classes for women that are advertised as "rape prevention." Is it women's job to prevent rape? Don't get me wrong - I'm all for women learning self-defense if they want to, but let's call it what it really is - risk reduction. It is men's responsibility to prevent rape.

Example #5 comes from the recent scandal over sexual assaults at the Air Force Academy. It turns out that there numerous male cadets who have sexually assaulted female cadets, and the men who run the Academy intimidated survivors into keeping silent about it. The newspaper stories said something like, 54 rapes occurred between male and female cadets. I'm sorry - rapes do not occur between people. Does a bank robbery occur between a robber and a teller? Does vandalism occur between a kid with a can of spray paint and somebody's property? And here's another flash of brilliance - in reaction to the scandal, the head of the academy said that the problem was that men and women live in the same residence hall and that men would see women walking down the hall in their bathrobes, and that he was going to now have the men and women living in separate residence halls. So, let's get this straight: the problem is that men are raping women and so the solution is to get rid of the women?! It's a new height in victim-blaming. I know I get out of control when I see a woman in a bathrobe. How does that work, physiologically? Prostate exerts pressure on the spinal cord, cutting off oxygen to the brain? And, newspapers reported the Air Force problem as a "sex scandal." I would submit that the victims were not having sex, and we could also argue that the perpetrators were not either.

When we see gender-based violence, women-hating is just around the corner. Therefore, if we can turn this attitude around, we can go a long way toward solving this problem. And, the people who are in the best position to do so are men -- we have the social status, power, and privilege. We can speak out and affect the attitudes of our fellow men. Just as white people have a special role to play in ending racism, rich people have a special role to play in ending economic inequality, and heterosexuals have a special role to play in ending homophobia, it is vitally important that we, as men of conscience, take seriously our role in ending sexual violence.

In the locker room at the vodka challenge that day, I'm betting that there was at least one man who was uncomfortable with this ice sculpture, just as there is when someone hires a stripper for a bachelor party or makes a woman the butt of a joke. It's not unlikely that more than one man felt this way. But nobody spoke up because each man feels that he may be the only one, and taking on the collective opinion of the rest of the group can leave him out in the cold. There is tremendous pressure to laugh along with the boys or at least not say anything. It would have taken tremendous courage for a man to stand up and say, even matter-of-factly, "That ice sculpture is really offensive; what could you have been thinking? Why don't we just get rid of it before we're all embarassed? We can have just as much fun without it." And it's ironic to me that courage is supposed to be a hallmark of masculinity, but there are so many men who find it impossible to display this kind of courage. They would sooner run into a burning building or have a fist fight. Men are also supposed to be independent, but there is tremendous conformity in most all-male peer groups, whether they are adults or younger men.

Social psychologists have known for a long time that one of the biggest barriers to being able to disagree with a group is unanimity. When the group opinion is unanimous and you don't have an ally, the pressure to conform is tremendous. But if even one person voices a disagreement with the rest of the group, others are much more likely to follow suit. There were probably several uncomfortable men in that locker room that day. If one of them had spoken out, he might have found that there was more support in the room than he had imagined. But somebody has got to go first. Somebody has got to take a risk. Someone has to be the leader. It's masculine to take a risk, to be a leader; why are so few of us doing it? The research indicates that 75% of college men are uncomfortable when their male peers display these kinds of attitudes. Most men don't like it; we need to let other men know that we don't.

Along with changing our attitudes toward women, we've also got to change our attitudes toward ourselves. For several years, I have been involved in efforts to fight the alarming prevalence of sexual assault on college campuses. When this problem was first identified in the 1970s, colleges began to provide self-defense training, teach women how to avoid dangerous situations, and provide better lighting and emergency phones across the campus. Obviously, these are very important measures. But, these kinds of strategies constituted the basic extent of campus programming for about twenty years, and all of these measures have one thing in common: they only address potential victims. It is only been the last few years that people have begun to try to do something about the potential perpetrators? Why did it take us so long to come to this obviously important strategy? I think it is the pervasive perception boys will be boys and the only thing we can do is to wait until they commit a crime, and then put them in jail. Some still consider rape an act of male sexuality gone awry, rather than an act of violence. But we know different, just as we know that if a person hits another person over the head with a frying pan, we don't call that cooking.

If men's violent behavior is perceived as an unchangeable constant, then violence toward women is a women's issue, never a men's issue. "Boys will be boys" not only provides a measure of excuse for violence against women, it is a very disrespectable attitude toward men, as if we are animals, with absolutely no control over ourselves. And again, there's an irony here. Self-control is another hallmark of traditional masculinity, but aggression and sexuality are considered to be completely out of control -- a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. I want men to have more dignity than that. I saw this book title recently, "All men are jerks until proven otherwise." It made me sad - and I also realized, how am I ever going to prove what I'm not? Maybe I was a nice guy today, but who knows what's going to happen tomorrow. It's a sad state of affairs when so many men have behaved so irresponsibly that the rest of us have to carry the burden of understandable suspicion from women.

So, besides becoming more respectful toward women, we have to regain our self-respect. We are human beings who are capable of caring for others. We are not animals who lash out instinctively, poisoned by testosterone.

Violence against women is a men's issue, and men have to take a leadership role in building a more positive male community. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Thanks to those of you who have been doing this work.

Kilmartin, C. (2006). Men's Violence Against Women. SPSMM Bulletin, 10 (4). on line at http://www.apa.org/divisions/div51/div51/01.htm

A haven for South Asian Women

A family shelter in Whitby offers refuge for abused Muslim women

Jun 04, 2007 04:30 AM

Naheed Mustafa special to the star

Sara Shah sits in her near-empty apartment quietly studying her hands. With her long black braid and smooth, unlined face she seems much younger than her almost-40 years.

Sara (not her real name) moved here just a few weeks ago. There are no curtains, no showy knick-knacks. There's just a table and two shabby chairs. A handful of toys lines the floor along one wall.

Her 3-year-old son rides his tricycle in circles, the wheels thundering in the emptiness. Sara sends him to ride in the other room.

She takes a deep breath and continues with the story of the marriage she left just four months ago.

"For three years, it was like I was being burned alive – the nagging and complaining, the screaming and yelling. I started thinking there was something wrong with me. I was completely brainwashed. He used the dirtiest language in the house, but he only spoke to me that way. He only showed his anger to me. Other people would think he's the nicest person in the world."

Sara says, in the beginning, her husband was decent enough. But as time passed, he changed. By the time they immigrated to Canada four years ago from Pakistan, she was terrified of setting him off; after their son was born, the situation became unbearable. When she finally left her husband, she was a mere shadow of herself.

She says leaving was almost impossible but she did it to save her son.

"I thought he would end up mentally unbalanced and fearful and terrified or that he'd end up like his father. I thought to myself that I have a life in my hands to mould and I can't waste it. There's no excuse for that."

Sara and her son moved into the Muslim Welfare Shelter in Whitby. The home is run by another woman from Pakistan, Atiya Siddiquei. She's made it her mission to help women like Sara.

"When a South Asian woman in these circumstances ends up in a shelter, she feels ashamed," Siddiquei says. "She's terrified that people will come to know that she's left her husband.

"Part of the problem is that, in South Asian culture, there's a fear that if the marriage breaks down, the woman's family will suffer. If she has sisters, she's scared that her sisters won't get married because of the stigma."

Siddiquei says there's a persistent cultural belief that life after divorce is no kind of life at all. That's why when women encounter abuse, they often endure it.

"Women are under a lot of pressure culturally to make marriage work. Even for me. When I got married, my mother said to me that I now have to take care of my family and there's no way back to her home."

She says most of the residents come to the shelter when they have no options left.

The Muslim Welfare Shelter provides a six-week home for women and children irrespective of religious beliefs. Some 60 per cent of the residents at any given time are South Asian.

Since it opened in 1993, about 5,000 women and children have passed through its doors. In the last year alone, a little more than 500 women and their kids have called the shelter home. It has space for 39 people and is full most of the time.

Siddiquei says, because of the shelter's name, South Asian women – especially Muslims – are willing to take a chance and come. She says often the first thing many of these women want to do is call their husbands and tell them where they are. She has a hard time convincing them not to.

Residents generally do not have a lot of practical experience with living on their own. Many stay at the shelter feeling – and behaving – as though they're in jail. Siddiquei often has to remind them they're free to leave if they want to.

"When it comes to these women, we very much need to deal with the family," Siddiquei says.
"We try to understand the reality of the situation. We contact the family if we have permission and it's safe. We set up marriage counselling and legal advice. We take these women to their legal aid appointments ... If they're not going back home, we help them with housing."

Domestic violence is, of course, not restricted to South Asians. But community workers say it's incredibly difficult to get South Asian women talking. And community leaders simply don't speak out.

Nita Bawa, a Sikh, emigrated here from India almost two decades ago. She's the co-host of Asian Connections, a half-hour Punjabi/Hindi call-in show that airs Tuesday afternoons on Canadian Multicultural Radio, 101.3 FM. She talks regularly about domestic violence.

Bawa says women stay in abusive marriages for many reasons but the common thread is the stigma.

"In general, they don't want to leave the home, they don't want to break up the marriage and they're very afraid of what other people will say. They just keep hoping it will stop."
Bawa says there are many subjects in the community that are taboo. "They are just swept under the carpet ... domestic violence is the same. Everyone knows it's going on but no one talks about it."

Back in Don Mills, Sara Shah is slowly piecing her life together. Her husband threw out everything that belonged to her and their son, so she needs to replace what she's lost. But her concerns are not just material.

"In our culture, we're not raised to have self-esteem," she says. "Thinking about yourself or your own needs is seen as selfish. Everything you do must be for others.

``I realize now that, even though there was a side of me that was weak, that put up with the abuse and tolerated it, there is a side of me that is strong, that helped me overcome my situation and survive."

In the kitchen of the Muslim Welfare Shelter for Women in Whitby, Jahyana, 3, and her mom Joanne prepare lunch with staff member Sherine.

Money talks..

Money, wealth and status. I think they all symbolize privilege and power. Today we live in a world where we judge, and are judged, by how much we own or can potentially own.

I stumbled upon a lil something today that totally blew my mind off. Ontario health plan covers Dr Bernstein's diet clinic but not a nutritionist!! In essence, we can pay for medication but invest in teaching how to eat properly.

I wonder if it is because no drug company makes money off nutritionists?

Where objectification and stereotypes hurt...

Objectification and stereotypes are the key accomplices of systematically institutionalized violence. By objectifying or stereotyping, we forget or overlook the bigger picture.

For example, in the case of Aboriginal Indians, the common stereotype is that they are all drunken Indians. What we forget is that alcohol was in essence brought to them to breed helplessness. How can we forget that despairity and drunkedness go together? By stereotyping, or objectifying, we narrow our vision to scrutinize only the problem. We distance ourselves from reality. We forget the cause, the history and eventually, when violence walks in, we forget humanity.

Intake process & notetaking...

The intake assessment can be used for many purposes. The form you create should tailor to the target needs of your shelter/clinic's clients. The intake process should involve, but not be limited to: risk assessment, housing assessment, safety planning, legal needs assessment etc.

Client information is always confidential. This not only means that you can not share the information with other clients, but with other unassociated parties either. Under certain circumstances, confidentiality between colleagues is ok. However, it should not not leave the office space nor be shared with other clients/victims. Just because a client shared her pieces with someone, it does not mean that they can take it from her and share it whereever they choose to.

It is often important to remember that every employee of the shelter/clinic does not need to know EVERY detail about the client. If the client is a survivor of childhood sexual violence, her intimate pieces need not be shared with anyone. Likewise, everybody does not need to know everything about her to help her. The housing worker or the parenting worker does not need to know the intimate pieces of her abuse history to help her.

Client information is often used in courtrooms. If the notes are not accurately recorded, they can harm the women. During the intake process, and counselling sessions, if it is required that you take notes, write what she says. Do NOT make judgements. If she says she has a tough time waking up, it does not mean she is lazy or depressed. Do NOT assume. Do NOT write things that are not accurate.

If the client feels bad about parenting, do NOT misquote her. Just say she is currently working on behaviorial management techniques for her kids.

As counsellors, we can often recognize trauma. But do not write down in your notes that she is traumatized. That's judgement. Her state is a result of experiences. Women often build defense mechanisms to get through situations. The 'trauma' that you may be noticing, could infact be a behaviour she may have aqcuired to get through her experiences. Do not judge it. Some clients have come from situations where they have been making financial choices between food and rent. Just because you see symptoms of depression, it does not mean you note it down. Depression in this situation could mean that the circumstances for her are tough and it's not easy for her to smile or be cheery.

If a conflict takes place during her stay at the shelter, no body else's name can be mentioned in your notetaking. If Susy has a conflict with Yasmin, do not mention each other's names in their reports.

At the bottom of it all, we have to work to empower women, not fail them systematically - over and over again. Institutionalized abuse takes place mostly right after the women leave their homes. Do not be an accomplice to violence, be an ally for peace.

When love hurts: The Story of an Abused Woman.

When violence happens in relationships, if often has a very regulated pattern. The extent of violence often changes, but the pattern is almost always the same. First its the wine and dine (honeymoon stage), then abuse, then the wine and dine again, then violence again. This is a pattern employed by abusers to reinforce trust and guilt within the victim until they loose it again. During this cycle of violence, the victim is often isolated, and slowly estranged, from her (only because i deal with women, but it happens to men as well) family. This increases the perpetuation of violence. I often wonder if this violence is a conscious, systematic effort on part fo the abuser or is this just another example of how power protects itself.

Anyhow ...!

Below is an article by Susan Mclelland on the story of Bonnie Williamson's abuse.

When Love Hurts
How one battered woman fought back and won

I was overcome with conflicting emotions when I heard the judge issue the sentence to Rob*: two years plus a day in a federal penitentiary for raping and physically abusing me for six months. Part of me felt guilt. I know it sounds crazy, but I still loved Rob and pitied him having to go to jail. I also felt rage. The sentence was too short. Will this really deter Rob from beating another woman? I also felt satisfaction. Justice, albeit not enough, had been served.

It started with romance
When I first met Rob, I had been a single mom for about eight and a half years. I have four children (then aged eight, nine, 11 and 16) and had full custody of them following my divorce from their father. My entire life was devoted to my two jobs -- security guard and store clerk -- and raising my children, trying as best I could to give them opportunities to succeed. I didn't date. I didn't have the time, nor did I want to bring another man into my kids' lives unless I was sure it was going to last.

Rob's stepmother was my youngest son's school teacher. For a year and a half she begged me to meet him, saying we would be perfect together. I hesitated because I didn't want to be set up with anyone, but her nagging eventually worked, and I agreed she could give him my telephone number.

When I first met Rob, it was electric and magical. He wined and dined me like no other man; he bought me chocolates, sent me flowers and left me little gifts on my pillow. He always touched me softly on the hand and the back of the neck. He made me feel like I was the most important person in the world. Even to this day, I never loved anyone as much as Rob.

The abuse begins
The honeymoon period ended the day after we were married -- six months from when we first met. He moved into my townhouse and brought his dog despite my explaining to him that we weren't allowed pets. When I came home from work, he was on the way out with the dog.

"Are you going for a walk?" I asked.

"No," he replied. "I'm leaving. You won't let me keep my dog."

"Well, maybe you should have married your dog," I answered jokingly.

Rob is about six foot three and 225 pounds. I'm five foot four and 100 pounds. He grabbed me by the waist and lifted me up against the wall. He wore big pewter biker rings on every finger and started smashing me in the face with his knuckles. He grabbed my hands and bent them backward, breaking one of my fingers.

I was in shock. I was stunned. But I didn't leave. A few hours after the incident, Rob broke into tears and told me how sorry he was. I loved him so much, so I believed him when he said it wouldn't happen again.

But life became hell after that. For the next two months the abuse was nonstop. Rob kept me in a constant state of terror. I'm not a drinker, but he'd toss a rum and Coke in my face and say drink. He'd punch me in the stomach or kick me in the thigh if I didn't. I started walking on tiptoes around him, fearful of everything I'd say and do. But it didn't matter; the abuse continued. He dislocated my shoulder several times. He'd lift me up by the ankles and bang my head against the floorboards in the living room.

A woman of two minds
A part of me wanted to leave, but another part of me hesitated. I've since learned that most battered women put up with an awful lot of abuse before they finally leave. Somehow I felt I was partially responsible for the abuse. If I hadn't made a particular comment or if I had just sipped the rum and Coke everything would have been OK. And for the first few months Rob was apologetic after the beatings. He'd say he felt rotten and that he didn't mean to hit me so hard. He'd cry and show such remorse that I'd forget my own pain. He'd become romantic and sweet, and I'd fall in love with him all over again.

I started to isolate myself from friends and family. I didn't want them to know about the violence. I covered my facial wounds with makeup. I put on a happy face with my kids and tried to act like things were fine. They knew about the violence but didn't know the severity. I was a security guard and worked most nights by myself or just one other person. I didn't have to do a lot of explaining. When my mom wanted to see me, I'd lie, saying I was busy. I didn't want her to see my bruises. I was embarrassed.

The abuse worsens
The rapes began about two months after we were married. I was dressing into my security-guard uniform when Rob came out of the shower and asked me where I was going. He didn't wait for my answer. He threw me on the bed, sat on my stomach, pinned my arms up beside my head and ripped off my clothes. "If you want sex, wait until I get home tonight," I said. "You'll do it when I want, and how I want," was his response. It got worse after that. Rob would tie me up and put foreign objects such as necks of beer bottles and dirty washrags into my vagina. Five months into the marriage I endured beating after beating. While most of the assaults were done when my children weren't home, they did see Rob hit me near the end. I was worried that they might step in and try to protect me. If they did, they might get beaten, too. I began plotting our escape, but it was difficult. Rob had begun making threatening comments: "You can never get far enough away from me. I will always find you. If I can't have you, no one will." I felt trapped.

The breaking point
But then came the night I had no choice but to call the police. Rob had disappeared for three days. I didn't know where he was. I thought he had been in an accident and was hurt. I left messages on his truck telephone and called the police and hospitals in the area. Nobody had heard anything.

He arrived home on the third night at about 1 a.m. and immediately started screaming at me that he didn't appreciate me trying to track him down. We were in the kitchen and he grabbed the phone receiver and began to beat me in the face with it. His eyes were red and flashing like I'd never seen before. I ran to the bedroom, and he was right behind me. He picked me up over his head and threw me across the room twice. I broke my tailbone in the second fall.

My 10-year-old daughter woke up. She must have heard something and came to see what was happening. We were now in the hallway. She just stood there, stunned. Rob looked at her and got scared for some reason. He went into the bathroom to pack his things.

I found my way to the kitchen, fighting the pain from the broken bones, and called the police.

A responsibility to other women
At first I hesitated making a statement. Even after everything, I didn't want to send Rob to jail. But then a police officer said something the next day that changed my mind: "Do you think you have a responsibility to other women? Do you want this to happen to someone else?"

What I didn't know at the time was that Rob had a history of violence against women. All he ever told me was that he had been married once before. What I learned from the police was that she had been found unconscious in a pool of blood on the floor of her garage. Rob had married a second time, too, and beat that woman up. But he was never convicted of assault because I was the only one of his wives who turned him in to the police.

The police had no problem charging him. But they were honest with me: it was going to be difficult to prove spousal rape in court. I didn't care. I wanted Rob to be charged with rape. He might not be convicted, but at least the charges would be on his record. I felt I owed this much to the next woman who crossed his path.

Not alone
The police held Rob for a few days, and I moved into a counselling facility. The staff wanted me to join group counselling, but I couldn't speak in front of other people. I felt like such a fool for having been beaten up by my husband. I thought the others in the group would judge me as a failure as a mother and wife.

But then I met women just like me -- lots of women. It shocked me how many of us are out there, abused by our loved ones.

It took about a year, but eventually I looked at Rob with fresh eyes and started to connect the dots. I was finished counselling but still doing a lot of emotional healing, reading books, writing poetry and meditating. I came to realize that all the other men in my life treated me horribly -- screaming, yelling and controlling me. I saw that it began with my acceptance of this behaviour when I was a child. My stepfather sexually assaulted me from the age of seven until I ran away from home when I was 15. When you're a kid and you're abused, you think you deserve it. Unconsciously, I came to accept violence as part of intimate relationships. Affection and abuse went hand-in-hand for me.

Breaking the cycle
It took a long time for me to realize that I am a good person. I'm loyal, giving and loving. I deserved to no longer have violence in my life. But then I started to panic. Had I passed the cycle of violence onto my kids? They had witnessed me being abused, so would my boys become violent predators? Would my girls accept abusive partners like I had? Over the years I've told them that violence is unacceptable in any form. But more importantly I have showed them this is true by becoming a healthy person, dating men after I left Rob who were not abusive and learning to love myself every day.

The case against Rob took two years to wind its way through the courts. It was emotionally exhausting, particularly having to listen to Rob on the stand talking about the rapes. He said that I liked kinky, rough sex. The only way the crown could prove the contrary was by calling my ex-husband and Rob's ex-wife to the stand. My ex testified I was never into violent sex, and Rob's ex-wife testified that everything he had done to me, he had attempted on her.

At one point in the trial the Crown asked if I wanted to quit. If I agreed to let the Crown make a deal, Rob would be convicted of assault but not rape. The Crown said it was my call. It took 20 minutes for me to say no.

I remembered one of Rob's friends saying to me during the trial that I brought the abuse on myself. This made me mad. "Rob is in trouble because of what he did," I told him. "He chose to hit me on his own. Rob was charged because he chose to beat me up."

Rob was eventually convicted of everything, including rape. Part of me felt guilty, but I also felt satisfied. Justice had been served.

Moving Forward
During the trial there was a restraining order against Rob coming anywhere near me. Now I'm on my own. Thirteen years later and far away from the town where we lived together, I am still terrified of this man, even though I haven't seen him in years. Every so often I hesitate when I go to the mall alone or walk to my car. "Is he out there waiting for me?"

I may be risking my safety by coming forward with my story, but I feel it's important. There are so many women going through what I went through. They need to know they're not alone and don't deserve to be abused. There are other women, like me, standing with them, ready to open their arms and provide safety and refuge. *Name has been changed

The Angry Woman Syndrome

Following is an excerpt from "the Angry Woman" by Psychiatrist Nathan Rickles (Note: that we are not only blamed for our anger, but we have also become a "syndrome")

Rickles writes: "Specific common denominators in the angry woman syndrome set it apart from any present-day classification. These symptoms are periodic outbursts of unprovoked anger, marital maladjustment, serious suicide attempts, proneness to abuse of alcohol and drugs, a morbidly oriented critical attitude to prople and a contrary obsessive need to excel in all endeavours, with an intense need for neatness and punctuality".

Helen Levine, a famous orator, mentions in one of her talks regarding this excerpt:

This diatribe against women, under the guide of diagnostic classification, is a chilling example of how women themselves are clinically blamed for the anger, desperation, and even excellence that are part of our lives. the political and personal context of our lives in marriage orbeyond is not considered. The catch 22 of women's lives comes clear: submission, dependency and conformity create hazards for us, as do our anger and desperation.

Be they concerned with incest, wife battering, rape or whatever, the helping professionals manage to zero in on female, rather than male, culpability. Under the guise of expert and sophisticated definitions of normalcy developed primarily by men, women have been kept firmly tied to the traditional institutions of marriage and motherhood. One woman, who had been on tranquilizers for 10 years, said. "I use these drugs one purpose, and one purpose onlu, to protect my family from my irritability." How is it that a woman's health is permitted to be sacrificed for others in this way? Why do we train women to drug themselves into a denial of their own needs and aspirations on the altar of family well-being? What happens when women try routes other than drugs or docility?

I want to share examples from the literature that may have particular meaning to those who are in the helping professions. Erik Erikson's work is considered basic to the curriculum of many schools of social work, psychology and psychiatry. Erikson says that young women often ask whether they can " have an identity" before they know whom they will marry and for whom they wil make a home. He thinks that much of a young woman's identity is already defined in her kind of attractiveness and in the selectivity of her search for the man (or men) by whom she wishes to be sought? In Childhood and society, Erikson devoted seventeen pages to the identity development of adolescent boy and one paragraph to the development of the adolescent girl.

The Angry Woman Syndrome

Following is an excerpt from "the Angry Woman" by Psychiatrist Nathan Rickles (Note: that we are not only blamed for our anger, but we have also become a "syndrome")

Rickles writes: "Specific common denominators in the angry woman syndrome set it apart from any present-day classification. These symptoms are periodic outbursts of unprovoked anger, marital maladjustment, serious suicide attempts, proneness to abuse of alcohol and drugs, a morbidly oriented critical attitude to prople and a contrary obsessive need to excel in all endeavours, with an intense need for neatness and punctuality".

Helen Levine, a famous orator, mentions in one of her talks regarding this excerpt:

This diatribe against women, under the guide of diagnostic classification, is a chilling example of how women themselves are clinically blamed for the anger, desperation, and even excellence that are part of our lives. the political and personal context of our lives in marriage orbeyond is not considered. The catch 22 of women's lives comes clear: submission, dependency and conformity create hazards for us, as do our anger and desperation.

Be they concerned with incest, wife battering, rape or whatever, the helping professionals manage to zero in on female, rather than male, culpability. Under the guise of expert and sophisticated definitions of normalcy developed primarily by men, women have been kept firmly tied to the traditional institutions of marriage and motherhood. One woman, who had been on tranquilizers for 10 years, said. "I use these drugs one purpose, and one purpose onlu, to protect my family from my irritability." How is it that a woman's health is permitted to be sacrificed for others in this way? Why do we train women to drug themselves into a denial of their own needs and aspirations on the altar of family well-being? What happens when women try routes other than drugs or docility?

I want to share examples from the literature that may have particular meaning to those who are in the helping professions. Erik Erikson's work is considered basic to the curriculum of many schools of social work, psychology and psychiatry. Erikson says that young women often ask whether they can " have an identity" before they know whom they will marry and for whom they wil make a home. He thinks that much of a young woman's identity is already defined in her kind of attractiveness and in the selectivity of her search for the man (or men) by whom she wishes to be sought? In Childhood and society, Erikson devoted seventeen pages to the identity development of adolescent boy and one paragraph to the development of the adolescent girl.

Group Process I: Jigsaw Puzzle

I did my first group therapy yesterday (i also did my first unsupervised counselling, but that's for another post!). One of the courses I have this semester is Group Process with Jo Petite. During this course we have to combine everything we've already learnt and facilitate group therapy sessions. Many of us have already been conducting group therapy sessions in shelters and workshops or drop-in centres. But for some of my classmates this was a new experience.

Usually in RECentres, when we facilitate group therapies, we focus on a single problem. Be it family, drugs, alcohol, abuse, violence, play etc. Because this was a new group, we weren't focussed on any single issue. So without a theme, we worked on a goal.

The goal of the group process we conducted was:
1. to become more aware of ourselves in a group (am I a leader, am I a follower, am I competitive, am I laid back, am I confrontational?)
2. be focussed/goal oriented
3. Understand what roles we play within relations (contextual and non contextual)
4. How do I interact with others around me?
5. How do I work with others around me? Do we work parallel with each other? (Do our individual work and combine efforts later) Do we combine our efforts and work together towards one goal? etc

For this exercise, we divided the group in pairs. So for a class of 17, we had 8 groups with one group of three. During this class, we handed out everyone a ziplock bag with jigsaw puzzles in it. From each ziplock bag, we took out one piece and placed in a randomly different bag. The group did not know abt this switch. Everyone was told to complete the jigsaw puzzle.

We observed. Once everyone completed their puzzle, we re-grouped into a larger group and asked everyone to discuss what they learnt. This challenged everyone.

Some observed that they were control freaks. Some observed that they shouted out 'I'm done, I'm done' as soon as they were done. (even though, no one was being timed). Some decided to help out others once they were done. (they were focussed on a larger group). Some sat back while their partner hunted for the missing piece, some groups spread out to find the missing piece. Some assumed leadership and delegated. Others let it go. Some mothers said that while at home they have to be incharge of everything, in class they were happy that someone else was running the show (that's so me!!).

Watch out for more unique group therapies we come up with!:P

Language..

This past weekend, someone I know claimed that I'm very political about my jokes. Previously, in response to something I said, he stated:

'You're gay!'

I told him how I found his response to be very discriminating. In response mentioned how he thought I didn't know how to appreciate jokes and that 'it's just a joke, relax and just laugh!'

I still couldn't find the humour to laugh.

Don't get me wrong, I don't practice homosexuality neither do I promote nor condone it. I honestly could not find the humour. The feminist in me was scared.

A while ago, another friend - while talking about abused women continuing to remain in abusive situations- stated:
'You'll get hurt only if you let other's hurt you'.

I found that offensive. I explained to her that her language suggests that the blame is on the victim as opposed to the perpetrator.

Sometimes we say things that we don't mean. Sometimes we say things which have an impact on another level - perhaps not immediately, but foresee-ably.

The language that we've been brought up with is, more often than not, very discriminating and demeaning. Even shakespeare, sometimes described negative situations with the term 'black'. Linguists praise it as imagery.

Neither of the two people I mentioned above have a history of violence. But both of them, without realizing, make it a little more possible for anyone out there to commit an act of violence.

The above statements are so predictable. It's often stated feminists have no sense of humour and always mantain an aura/atmosphere of rigid political correctness. The first person nailed the hammer on the head by calling me political. Alot of people might think, so what's the big deal?

The above two statements sound harmless to an open mind. But as the saying goes, "it's good to have an open mind, but it's not good to have a mind so open that your brain falls out".

Language is a subconcious power battle we play within our minds. Somehow, somewhere, someone. In our own struggles we undermine the victory of others. It's a domino effect. It's like the Displacement Theory. We may say something, meaning something else, which in turn would effect someone else in a different form. Confused? Think Uncle Tarek F! In his struggles to "liberalise" and protect the muslim women of Canada, he let out many skeletons from the Muslim closet during the Shariah law debate. The statements he made, may have been uttered with positive intentions but those very words have harmed alot of others. My intention is not to defame him here, but to examplify how an attempt to liberalise muslim women may have caused the oppression of practicing women looking for a religious divorce. Moreover, the muslims who were already struggling to clean and alleviate isolation caused by stereotypes, now had another basketfull of dirtier laundry waiting to be washed out. Uncle T's words changed mass public opinion about muslims and allowed violence against practicing women to be justified. On a greater scale, Uncle T's words allowed for the violence against muslims worldwide to be justified.

That's what language does. Combined with action, it has the power of manipulation and deception. Combined with justification, it can hurt.

That also connects alot to what the study of the psyche (psychology) is all about. Though psychology helps us understand many other things, in a social context, I believe it also helps us analyze how human behavior is impacted in different social circumstances. It's all about making connections. It's about connecting our minds compassionately for the overall betterment of society. It's about connecting our minds to where agony lies. It's also about connecting our minds to where problems root - in this case, language!

Language, I believe is one of those slip ups of time, power and class. It's that part of the system that keeps failing someone, somewhere. No matter how positively it might be impacting someone, someone else out there is being affected negatively. Because, you see, regardless of how poignant we may be, our words can not speak the language of every situation across the globe. However, we can control the damage. By removing bias, race, class and colour from it.

Try it and you'll see the difference in how you'll view famous classical english writers!

ps. I thought this might be a fun activity to do:

How many statements can you recall from the last 48 hours that were negative or demeaning? None? Look carefully into the next 48 hours, you'll be surprised!

A woman is rewarded for the crap she put up with her MIL!

http://news.aol.com/strange/story/_a/woman-awarded-for-mother-in-laws/n20060725162409990042?cid=936

Unfortunately, I dealt with it by not dealing with it.
- Traci Lords in A&E's Biography

Every story has a backstory. Every story can be understood, only if you know where it comes from.

AWCCA's political action team set up pickets and protests across ontario with many, many other women's organizations. We were present in Ottawa, at mayor Milleur's office, at Queen's park and at the House while it was in session - simultaneously. Ottawa news gave it more coverage but it barely made any presence in Toronto media due to the 17 arrests and their second hearing on the 6th.

Below is the script provided by Hansard regarding the disruption caused. Our plan was to listen for a few minutes and if she continued making false promises, start shouting until we were asked to leave. ( we=awcca. i decided not to attend at the last moment).

-=-=-=-=-=-

HANSARD Wednesday, June 7th, 2006
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Ms. Andrea Horwath (Hamilton East): My question is for the minister responsible for women's issues. Minister, today women from across the province came here to plead for your government's help. Too many women are forced to choose between hunger and violence. They are trapped in abusive relationships and can't afford to break free because of your McGuinty broken promises. Will you stop the clawback of the national child benefit and increase social assistance rates in Ontario like you promised, to help women and children escape a life of poverty and violence?

Hon. Sandra Pupatello (Minister of Education, minister responsible for women's issues): I will be happy in the supplementary to turn this question over to the Minister for Community and Social Services, responsible for social services.

But let me just say that about three years ago we received a report, which I believe was started under the former government, by outside groups who created a report called Walking on Eggshells. It spoke about the difficulty women face when they come from abusive situations and into the welfare system, and what we needed to do in order to change that. Since that time, we have launched significant training across the government, but especially in the Ministry of Community and Social Services, so that we better understand how we need to treat women who are coming from very dire straits. But even our funding, through our domestic violence action plan, has addressed in so many ways, across 13 different ministers who sit on this panel, to be sure that our whole government is focused on bettering services for women when they need them and where. I think this member has to acknowledge, it is a --

The Speaker (Hon. Michael A. Brown): Thank you. Supplementary.

Ms. Horwath: Back to the minister responsible for women's issues, because the poverty of children is a women's issue and the poverty of women is a women's issue. So, Minister, notwithstanding the fact that these same women's groups say that your domestic violence action plan has been an abject failure in this province, Ontario is miles and miles behind on this particular file. In fact, in Alberta, you may want to know, a woman leaving a violent relationship can find immediate and real financial help 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The Alberta fund covers transportation, accommodation, the setting up of a new household, food, clothing and other basic needs for women. Women receive financial help to pay for phone, legal advice, extended health coverage for their children, even relocation costs if they have to move out of their community to escape the threat of violence.

If Ralph Klein's Alberta can get it right, why can't Dalton McGuinty's Ontario?

Hon. Ms. Pupatello: I am happy to turn this over to the Minister of Community and Social Services.

Hon. Madeleine Meilleur (Minister of Community and Social Services, minister responsible for francophone affairs): First all, let me say that I appreciate this organization's commitment to help women who are in need across Ontario. I share their commitment. This government is serious about addressing the needs of Ontario's most vulnerable. Violence against women is unacceptable. We will do what we can to help these women in situations of violence. What we have done so far, first of all, is we have raised welfare twice -- not once, but twice -- a 5% raise, and this never happened before.

Interruption.

The Speaker: Clear the west gallery.

Interjections.

The Speaker: Order. Minister of Community and Social Services.

Hon. Madeleine Meilleur: Again, this government has raised the social assistance rate by 5%. Also, what we have done is we have increased minimum wage twice already, and we will increase it a third time in 2007.
The question that was asked about the national child care benefit supplement: We are permanently flowing through the 2004, 2005 and 2006 increases. We know there is more to do and we will continue to support those in situations of violence.

Privilege and Opression..

One of the first steps of being an ally is to know where privilege lies.

Attn: PSY 1076

More political action, organized by Kathy Hardill. Anna Willat's class requested!

Please consider joining some of the nurse members of "health providers against poverty" on wednesday may 10th at 11 a.m. when we call on the mcguinty liberals to raise social assistance rates - to mark national nurses' week.

We will be holding a media conference outside the food basics store at 238 wellesley street east, between parliament and sherbourne streets - we will have 2-3 low income moms speaking, plus a couple of nurses, including someone from the registered nurses' association of ontario - we will have on hand low cost food such as "mcguinty-roni" and "beans meilleur" (after the new community services minister) and recipes for illness on the back (take low social assistance rates, add 1 cup indifference, a Liberal sprinkling of shortsightedness, etc.... yields heart disease, diabetes, etc) - should be fun! please come and show your support!

No one is illegal

All those interested in political action, here's another upcoming event:

No One Is Illegal
National Day of Action
Status for All March
May 27 1PM
Meet at OISE (252 Bloor Street West)
(at the St. George subway station)
toronto.nooneisillegal.org
email: nooneisillegal@riseup.net

About experiences and all...

Compassion. It is because we feel compassionately towards people who are being marginalized that we put ourselves at stake for their freedom. But it's never compassion alone. Something, somewhere along our past, triggers us and pinches us to force a change. Its very much like previous relationships. We carry the baggage from our past experiences to every aspect of our lives. As sisters, mothers, wives or friends - whatever dimension our existence takes- we draw upon our past experiences to percieve and mould the future.

I've been carrying many a baggages with me. I'm glad I chose the program(assaulted women and child counselling and advocacy) I did. It's helping me not only grow as a person, but use my experience to make a difference out there.

As i further my education, I build upon my experiences and draw lessons to guide me. During one of our Child witness to violence classes, Jaswant, our professor, said:
"Tradional approach for centuries has been to put away your experiences and move on. As if to trash it and forget it. Feminist approach says to use your experiences to enhance yourself."

I suppose this is what has helped me in my counselling work as well as education, thus far. As long as those experience do not interfere or trigger me, I'll keep building on it! This semester I'm taking Child witness to Women Abuse (because we KNOW that women and child abuse are interconnected!) and issues related to Gender, Race and Class. Ofcourse, Integrative Seminar as well. I've officially completed the first part of Working with Abuse Women Partners. I still have my english and Intro to Fem to complete (I missed out on these courses because of my 3 mth trip to South Asia!)

I've started this blog not only to account for all the learning i do over the next 3 yrs, but as a guideline for those who wish to step into the counselling/social law/ feminism field in the future.
Without it being said, your work as a counsellor does impact you. It's not a 9-5 job. Inevitably, you walk home carrying with you sounds and emotions of someone in despair. Someone hurting in agony. It's not easy when your mind keeps repeating the sound of an 8 yr old very solemnly saying 'I wish I could die!" or a 27 yr old woman, after being physically abused saying 'I want to be with him'. Granted it's not easy, I believe befriending, without judging, is the best support we can offer!

And THAT is my new resolution. Not just for my professional life. I wish to work on the relations the I have been judgemental about. I wish to make a difference and I wont make a difference as long as I am judgemental abt others' intentions.

p.s. all those into political action, there's a protest being held at queen st to demand higher minimum wage levels for single families on May 24th. Contact myself or Cindy for more information.